Someone shit on the floor
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize