Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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