If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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