Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
