but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
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That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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