and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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