Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
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I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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