I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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