I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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