we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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