I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
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She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????