Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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