I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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