my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
