Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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