He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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