I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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