Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You need a sexual gate keeper
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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