i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
