Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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