if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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