she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
