Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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