the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
