Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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