I look better un-naked...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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