see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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