Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
