just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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