The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
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I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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