I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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