i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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