apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
