Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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