I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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