he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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