im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
