dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
