In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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