Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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