and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
