I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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