wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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