I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There's even glitter on my cock...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
