I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
