Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
