If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she woke up with a sticky ear
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
