filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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