I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.