Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in