Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.